on hope.

Kanji symbol for "Hope"

Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life.   

Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

Why is it so easy to focus on the negative aspects of life, than the positive ones?  With so much beauty in the world, why are we constantly looking and waiting for the next negative thing to happen?

I can feel the weight being lifted off my shoulders.  I can feel the internal knot being loosened.  Chalk it up to being in therapy or the Joy Equation or just changing my attitude and perspective on life, but I am beginning to feel happier and more hopeful. 

I have trouble letting go - of papers, of journals, of friends, of ideas, of mementos.  I hold onto everything - good and bad - because I feel like I need those things in my life.  I am afraid to let go because of the mere thought that I could actually be happy some day.  Yet, the reality is, many of those things that I have been holding onto have been very damaging for me.  People have been inadvertently stealing my joy and happiness and I didn't even know it.  Ideas have been sucking the life out of me and prohibiting me from doing better, more productive things.  I have been preventing myself from being authentically happy by holding onto everything.

I got a second tattoo last week - the kanji symbol for hope.  I first started believing in hope a few years ago.  I had spent too many years dwelling on the negative aspects of my life, and realized that I need to change my ways or I would be stuck on this beaten path forever.  I started believing in myself and my ability to overcome adversity and do wonderful things in life. 

I sat in the tattoo parlor, squeezing the life out of my best friend's hand to distract me from the pain (yes, tattoos hurt and if someone tells you they don't, they are LYING!).  Just as he finished up, I took a deep breath, let go of my friend's hand and thought, after all the shit I've been through, here's hoping the best is yet to come.

I'm hopeful that I can find a better job, or even a better career.  

I'm hopeful that I can fix seven years of internal pain and suffering and not well up at the sight of a mother and daughter having lunch on a Saturday afternoon.  

I'm hopeful that I can finish my memoir (part 1, at least) and get it published by the time I'm 30.  

I'm hopeful that I can get my nonprofit to where I want it to be.

I'm hopeful that the best is yet to come.

I came back from Florida with another tattoo and a fresher outlook on life.  My happiness lies in letting go of the negative and damaging things around me, like toxic friendships, judgmentally damaging people, and bad decisions.  Because it's about doing things for yourself to find your own happiness.  All this time, I had been relying on other people and other things to bring me happiness, when in fact, they have been stealing it from me.

When you think about it, we all need something to hope for.  A better job.  A better writing project.  A better outcome.  A better relationship.  We hope for the best because we believe we deserve it.  And you know what?  We really do deserve the best. 

"Hope is a good thing - maybe the best of things - and no good thing ever dies."
 - Shawshank Redemption -