the best is yet to come

{via}

In 2011...

I want to work harder at my relationships.  I want to put more genuine effort into those friendships that truly matter to me.  I want to build on the foundation that's already there - brunches, coffee dates, reaching out more - and make sure that the friendships I carry with me - now and in the future - are authentic, meaningful and satisfying.

I want to stop caring about what other's think.  It's a tough pill to swallow when someone tells you are going to fail at making your dreams come true.  It knocks you out for a brief moment.  For the longest time I've always cared about what others thought.  As I take my life abroad soon, I know that not everyone will support my decision and you know what?  That's okay.  Let them think what they want, I'm going to do it anyway.

I want to talk less and do more.  As much as I crave deep, meaningful conversations, I really want to focus on doing more, whether it's getting coffee while catching up, or going out to dinner, or just taking a walk.  I want to make the most of the three months that I have left here.

I want to believe in myself more.  I know what I'm capable of, but I have a tough time believing it.  I know I can conquer the world, but I have a tough time believing it.  I want to believe that I can create some wonderful life experiences while I'm abroad, but it's terrifying thinking I'm going to be miles and miles away from my comfort zone, family, and friends.  I want to believe that everything's going to be okay and I can do anything I set my mind to.

I want to laugh harder and smile more.  I've worked really hard over this last year to get myself to a better place, and I want to continue focusing on my soul-searching and finding my authentic happiness.  I know it's there somewhere, I just have to dig a little deeper.  

I want to spend as much time as physically possible with the friends who have earned a special place in my heart in this city.  I've had a few set of different friends since living in this city.  It's like I haven't been able to find that core group of friends until recently.  And yes, I'm sad to leave them, but I really want to make sure that the friendships I have can endure the time and distance.  I really want to put everything I have into these friendships while I'm still here. 

I want to open myself up to new opportunities, meet new people, and allow something - or someone - to change my life.  I build a wall around people a little too easily because it's easier than allowing myself to get hurt.  We build walls, not to keep people out, but to see who's strong enough to knock them down.  For the first time in three years, I opened myself up - honestly and genuinely - to a man.  I allowed myself to become vulnerable and uncover the secrets of my broken past.  It was scary, but I'm so glad I did it.   

I want to work harder at fighting for what's important, for standing up for myself when someone knocks me down, and conquering my dreams.  Never let someone take your dreams away from you.  I want to do everything.  Except, I can't.  At least not immediately.  My biggest dream right now?  To open up my own restaurant with my brother.  And I really believe I have the ability and determination to do it.  That's the scary part.

So, here's to 2011 and all of the wonderful, scary, terrifying, heartbreaking, soul-crushing things that are to come.  Here's to making dreams come true and fighting for what you want in life. 

Wishing you a wonderful 2011.  Stay classy and be true to yourself.

 

"don't worry about a thing, 'cause every little thing gonna be all right"

{{This post is part of #reverb10, an annual event and month-long online initiative to reflect on this year and manifest what's next for 2011.

 

December 24th Prompt: Everything's OK.  What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything's going to be alright?  And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?}}

 

My plan was to ring in 2011 with good friends, re-brand my nonprofit organization, and start graduate school.  But then all of the shit hit the fan at once, and I found myself curled up in a ball on my couch, blindly staring at my television, feeling crippled.  I didn't want to do anything or go anywhere.  I just wanted to lay.  I haven't felt that type of crippling since June 2003.

My plan instantly shattered when my law firm announced dissolution.  I knew it was coming, but I didn't realize it would be so soon.  We never fully prepare ourselves for these types of moments.  I didn't have a back-up plan.  I didn't think I would need one because I never thought my law firm would dissolve.  

And then someone sent me something:

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do.  But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."

 

I had read it before - many times, in fact - but this time, it really hit me.  Little bits of motivation and inspiration from a wonderful person to push me to continue doing what I do best.  That's what friends are for - to push you when you feel crippled; to help you in times when you need their help the most.

 

It was a small gesture with a powerful punch, but it was exactly what I needed to realize that I'm going to be okay.  I'm so much stronger than this, and life really does move on.

Everything's going to be okay.

 

So for that, I thank you.   

 

* title from Bob Marley's Everything's Gonna Be Alright

we all have to believe in something

It happened. 

I was standing in the kitchen on Christmas Eve with my two brothers, their wives, and my oldest brother's mother-in-law.  We shared stories, laughed and drank wine.  We celebrated an engagement, a new house, Christmas, and family togetherness.  My oldest brother asked me if I had decided on Prague, and without any hesitation I said, "I'm going."

I have never been so confident about a decision in my entire life.  No guilt, no regrets, no second guessing myself.  I'm still terrified, but in an oh-my-god-I'm-really-doing-this kind of way.

Eventually, you reach a point in life where you stop questioning your decisions, your abilities, and yourself and just do it.

People tell me I'm being selfish.  My oldest brother said he doesn't understand why I'm doing this.  Someone told me I'm destined to fail.

I've spent the last three years trying to make a difference in this world to save women's lives from cancer.  I have dedicated my heart and soul to helping others because it's just who I am, and because I genuinely care about others. 

You can't help others until you learn how to help yourself.

I've been struggling over the last month to put myself back together.  I spiraled into depression a couple weeks ago - something I haven't done since 2003 - and felt completely lost in life.  Maybe I am being selfish, but I think I deserve to be.  We all deserve to be a little selfish in order to live life on our own terms.

I haven't told that many people about Prague.  Not because I don't want to, but because I know what they are going to say.  Except this isn't about them, it's about me.  It's about rediscovering myself, uncovering a new type of happiness, and continuing to live life on my own terms.

"You don't have to understand why I'm doing this, you just have to support me."

My oldest brother doesn't get it because he spent nearly a decade in school to earn a PhD, and he has been working with BP since.  So yeah, he doesn't get why I'm doing this because his career path has always been shoveled for him. 

Not everyone will understand your decisions in life, or support the path you follow, but the only thing that matters is your ability to believe in yourself.  

And for the first time in a long time, I believe in myself, in my abilities, and in this.

Oh, the places you'll go

{{This post is part of #reverb10, an annual event and month-long online initiative to reflect on this year and manifest what's next for 2011.

 

Today's prompt: Travel.  How did you travel in 2010?  How and/or where would you like to travel next year?}}

 

{photos taken in Pittsburgh, PA; Seattle, WA; Washington, D.C.; Honeoye Lake, NY; Savannah, GA; Philadelphia, PA}

I made a New Year's resolution three years ago to travel more.  It's the only resolution I've been able to keep.  I want to hit all 48 states by my 30th birthday.  I dream big, what can I say.  This year I crossed the State of Washington off my list, and soon-to-be Texas.  At the end of 2010, I will have visited 21 out of 50 states. 

In 2011, I'll be traveling internationally for at least three months.  On my list to visit are Czech Republic, Austria, Germany, Slovakia, and Poland.  I'm dying to see Paris, return to Italy, and visit my friend in London while I'm over there, but I'm not sure if I'll have enough time (or money!), since I will only be able to stay in the Schengen Area for a max of 90 days on a passport, and most likely won't have a working visa by the time I get kicked out of Europe. 

I'm excited for my traveling plans next year.  I really want to immerse myself in the different cultures and history while I'm abroad.  The first time I went to Europe, in 2004, I didn't really appreciate international traveling (mainly because I got sick the moment I landed in Austria), the cultures, and the food, but now that I've grown and developed my traveling (and food) palate, I'm really looking forward to this.

And if all goes well, hopefully I'll find myself back in my homeland in 2011, too.

a letter of advice

{{This post is part of #reverb10, an annual event and month-long online initiative to reflect on this year and manifest what's next for 2011.

Today's prompt:  Future self.  Imagine yourself five years from now.  What advice would you give your current self for the years ahead?}}

{via}

Dear KH,

You're amazing.  The things you've done with your life and the way you continue to carry yourself - every day, through good and bad - is something you should be very proud of.  Very few people in life will be able to conquer half of the things that you have.  But while I can't tell you what's going to happen in your future, I can tell you this:

• You're stronger than you think you are.  I know you've been through hell and back.  I know it was painful.  But the reality is, it won't get any easier.  What doesn't kill you, really does make you stronger.  You have to push through everything, one moment at a time, because what's waiting for you at the other end is going to be amazing.  And you're going to deserve it.
• Take care of yourself first.  You're the most important person in your life.  You have such a warm, genuine heart and I know you want to help others before yourself, but not everyone is like you, in the fact that they'll help you as much as you help them.  
• Don't be afraid to take a chance.  Whether it's on a guy, for a job, or for personal development - whatever it is, don't be afraid to do it.  I know you like routine, being organized, and knowing what's next, but sometimes life is about not knowing.  Because often times, it's the unknown that changes your life.
• Don't forget your roots.  Remember those people - and the city - that helped you become the sports-loving woman you are today.  Don't let people knock you down for being from a small, Steel city.  They're just mad because their sports teams can't win Championships.  Be proud of where you're from.  We don't call it the City of Champions for nothing.
• Don't let your failures stop you from trying or continuing.  Your failures will help you develop and improve as a business woman and a person.  You have to fail (and sometimes miserably) in order to succeed.  Learn from your failures and you'll soon become unstoppable.
• Live life on your own terms.  Do what you love, every day.  Stop feeling guilty about being lazy or procrastinating or not finishing something.  It's okay to be lazy, procrastinate and not finish.  Life is now about you - doing what you love, surrounding yourself with amazing friends, and finding your own happiness.  Do it.  Love it.  Live it up.
• Chase your dreams.  Every day.  People are going to tell you you can't do something.  Do it anyway.  People are going to stand in your way.  Knock 'em down.  You're going to feel like you want to quit.  Keep going.  You've already conquered half the world.  You still have the other half left.  
• Let it go.  Let go of the friends who have hurt you, the relationships that have shattered your heart, and the ones who gossip behind your back.  You're amazing, beautiful, and ridiculously talented and those three qualities will take you further in life than any piece of gossip, relationship or friendship could.
• Be proud of how far you've come in life.  Don't let your mistakes and failures fault you.  Your talents and abilities will take you very far in life.  Appreciate how hard you have worked and celebrate your accomplishments every chance you get.

Now, go continue chasing your dreams.

XOXO,
Me

Prague or bust.

{via}

I'm heading to Prague, Czech Republic on March 17, 2011.  I'll be living abroad for 2-3 months and earning my TEFL Certification.  I'll be traveling Europe and hopefully creating a different feeling of happiness for myself that I never knew existed.  I'm excited but insanely terrified.

This isn't moving two hours away from home, this is moving across bodies of water to a different continent.  Because once I'm in Prague, there's no turning back for at least three months.  It's a serious commitment in a different country that requires an open mind, an open heart, and being adventurous. 

As excited as I am about this opportunity, I'm terrified to go.  The 8 hour plane ride.  The jet lag.  The culture shock.  The home-sickness.  The fact that I'm doing this all alone.  It's overwhelming to think about, but I know deep down in my heart that this is something I need to do for myself.

Because if I don't do this now, I will regret it for the rest of my life.

Prague or bust.

"this is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time."

{via}

When I graduated college, the decision to move to Philadelphia was easy.  I was done with school and I had a job waiting for me.  My fear of living in a big city and not knowing anyone disappeared because I was anxious to start that next chapter of my life.  

You'll never leave where you are, until you decide where you'd rather be.

When I moved to Philadelphia, it was supposed to be temporary.  One year, max.  I wanted to gain professional experience in a big city, so that I could move onto better things.  And since I had already spent a summer living in Philadelphia prior to moving here, it was easy to make that decision.  The first year was the hardest, and I realize that Philadelphians aren't typically warm and friendly to outsiders.  But over the last five years, I've done well for myself.  I gained some invaluable professional experience in the Corporate and Nonprofit world, I discovered my passion for helping others and making a difference, I found some amazing girl friends who would go above and beyond for me, and I'm a part of a great ball hockey community.  The things I've done, the people I've met, and the experiences I've created here are priceless.  But the problem is, it's not enough.  These are the reasons keeping me in Philadelphia.  The friendships, the jobs, the comfortable lifestyle of living in a big city.  A big part of me is settling for this kind of life, when deep down, I know that I want more.  I want more experiences - bigger experiences, more adventure, more thrills, more failures, more of not knowing and I'm not going to continue getting that by staying here.

 

When one door closes, another one opens.

The first rule in Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy is not to panic.  When I found out my law firm is dissolving, I panicked.  What do I do now?  How will I afford to pay rent?  How will I survive?  I spent close to two weeks shutting myself from the outside world.  I stopped talking to friends, I stopped playing hockey, I stopped doing all of the things I was so used to doing because I was terrified and upset.  I still am terrified and upset.  Losing a job is a devastating thing, and most Gen-Y'ers aren't prepared, emotionally and financially, when it happens. 

I had everything planned out - re-brand my nonprofit organization, start graduate school, and make 2011 the best year yet.  And then this happens and suddenly I feel like I have no motivation to even get out of bed each day.

But then I realized that losing my job isn't the worst thing in the world.  Sure, it sucks, but I've already been through other monumental, devastating life events that I can certainly handle losing my job.  It's about making the most of what you have, regardless of how bad it is and how much it hurts.

Everything happens for a reason.

I've been so caught up over losing my job, that I forgot about what happens next.  Traveling.  Adventures.  New opportunities.  Challenges.  The unknown.  It wasn't the right time to move to Chicago or California when I had made those decisions a few years ago.  It wasn't smart to just quit a job and lose all my benefits, just so I could find out what else is out there.  But now?  Now this is my chance.  To travel.  To seek new opportunities.  To face new challenges.  To do the things that people don't think I'm capable of.

This is it.

I applied for a Teach English in a Foreign Country (TEFC) Certification program.  It's a rigorous four weeks of classes (and live teaching) taught by certified professors who teach you the skills to teach English.  Upon acceptance (into the program) and completion (of the certification), I will have the education, experience, and certification that allows me to teach English abroad in any country.  For as long as I want.  I could start as early as mid-January, and I could study in Prague, Barcelona, or London.  Studying in Europe, teaching English, traveling the world, and getting paid to do it all.  How can I pass this up now?  

I'll know my acceptance into the program sometime next week.  When I get accepted, I'll start my program in late-February/early March in either London or Prague.  And after that, the rest is history.  Now that I have nothing holding me back here, all that awaits are new challenges, new dreams, and new beginnings.  

Maybe 2011 will still be my best year yet, after all.

"There are moments in your life that make you and set the course of who you're going to be.  Sometimes they're little, subtle moments.  Sometimes they're big moments you never saw coming.  NO one asks for their life to change, but it does.  It's what you do afterwards that counts.  That's when you find out who you really are."

- Whistler -

* title of the post is from Fight Club.  Only one of my most favorite movies ever.

drowning

 {via}

"Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have.  Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out.  Desire can wreck your life.  But as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are those who don't know what they want."

- Grey's Anatomy -

I don't know what I want anymore.  I don't know where I belong anymore.  I don't know who to trust anymore.  I feel like my entire world has been shaken up and I don't know how to put the pieces back together.  And it's like I don't even have the desire to put these pieces back together now. 

My law firm is dissolving.  I leave for Houston, TX next Wednesday for Christmas and when I come back I probably won't have a job.  I don't even want to come back, that's how bad things are right now. 

I had plans of re-branding and launching my nonprofit in January, and then my Marketing Coordinator up and resigns unexpectedly on me, and now I don't even know if I want to continue with the business.  I don't want to give up, but I feel like I just don't have the desire to continue running the organization on my own, knowing it's going to be another big, fat failure in the end.

I'm lost.  I'm sinking.  I'm failing.

5 minutes

{{This post is part of #reverb10, an annual event and month-long online initiative to reflect on this year and manifest what's next for 2011.

Today's prompt:  5 minutes.  Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes.  Capture the things you want to remember most about 2010.}}

• the decision to see a therapist and acting on that decision.
• my entrance into an Ivy League graduate school.
• a night of celebration with my girl friends at a pot luck Sunday with a bottle of champagne.  Because everything is better with champagne.  Well, as soon as you figure out how to open it.
• ending a 15-year friendship and realizing it was one of the best things I could have done for myself.
• winning a national street hockey championship in June.
• re-branding my nonprofit organization
• the day I lost a survivor sister.
• the day I found out my law firm is dissolving.
• the night my cousin and I thought making and consuming frozen wine would be the best thing ever (it wasn't).

2010 has been an interesting year.  Some highlights, some low lights and a ton of growth, changes, soul searching and self-reflection. This has definitely been one of the best years yet though.  Bring it on, 2011.

keep moving forward

{{This post is part of #reverb10, an annual event and month-long online initiative to reflect on this year and manifest what's next for 2011.

Today's prompt:  Action.  When it comes to aspirations, it's not about ideas.  It's about making ideas happen.  What's your next step?}}

Move forward.  Wherever you go, whatever you do, whatever obstacles are placed in front of you, always work to move forward. 

I've been drowning over the last two weeks.  Mentally.  Physically.  Emotionally.  I fell off the radar from most of my friends, Facebook, and email because I needed (and still need) to find a way to get myself together.  I needed to find direction and figure out how to continue pushing forward through the obstacles that have been placed in front of me.

I don't really know what 2011 has in store for me, besides starting my Master's program and re-launching my nonprofit organization.  My plan of action?  Keep pushing forward.  I know it's only going to get harder from here, so I really want to stay focused, determined and motivated.  

"The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows.  It's a very mean, nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.  Nobody is going to hit as hard as life.  But it ain't about how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward."

- Rocky -

Less is More

{{This post is part of #reverb10, an annual event and month-long online initiative to reflect on this year and manifest what's next for 2011.

 

Today's prompt:  11 things.  What are 11 things your life doesn't need in 2011?  How will you go about eliminating them?}}

In 2011, I want to make a big change.  I want to truly understand the difference between need and want.  Sure, I know what the difference is, but to truly understand it?  Is more complicated.  I need to eat, but I want Sunday brunches consisting of pancakes and girl talk.  But I don't need to spend the $10 or so every Sunday on said brunches, yet I do it because I want to invest more quality time in my friendships. 

I want to learn how to live more simply with less, on less, and doing less in 2011 and maybe that means eliminating some things in my life.

• Clutter.  I keep stuff.  Like, a lot of stuff.  And I know I don't need most of the stuff that I keep (like books I know I'll never read again), so I want to make a concerted effort next year to get rid of a lot of things that just take up space in my house that I know I don't need.
  
  
• Wasting time on the internet.  Yes, I waste a significant amount of time on Facebook, Twitter, reading blogs, and on the internet in general.  Don't we all?  We forget what our lives were like without those things and I really want spend my time being immersed in grad school work than on the internet (unless of course, it's school-related).
  
  
• Over-committing.  I commit myself to a lot.  Work.  Nonprofit.  Hockey.  Friendships.  Blogging.  Writing.  Meetings.  Pot luck Sundays.  Volunteering.  I already know I do more than I am able to, but it's hard to not commit myself to so much because I hate being bored.  I start graduate school on January 12th and I've already been slammed with homework and assignments from my professors and classes haven't even started yet, so I know I need to let go of a handful of commitments once school starts.
  
  
• Negativity.  It's easy to let someone get you down, but it's tough to bounce back from it.  Much of our negativity is driven from another source of negativity.  I don't have time for negativity, and I surely don't want to be surrounded by it.
  
  
• Careless spending.  I've done really well this past year with saving money and managing my finances, but I do [sometimes] spend my money unwisely.  Or on things I know I don't need.  I really want to work on being more mindful of how I'm spending my money next year.  Experiences, not things.
  
  
• Less junk.  I've eliminated/cut back a lot in my diet over the last five years.  No red meat.  Less alcohol.  Less foods containing HFCS (high fructose corn syrup).  For the most part, I eat really healthy.  Minus wine and cheese nights.  And pot luck Sundays.  I really want to try cutting out all meat from my diet next year.  For at least a month.
  
  
• High expectations.  This is a tough one to eliminate.  I hold high expectations of myself because I want to believe I'm Superwoman.  Except, I'm not, and I need to accept it when something doesn't always go/work as expected.
  
  
• Comparisons.  When I see someone's efforts succeed and mine fail, I can't help but compare myself to them.  She's so much smarter than I could ever be.  He's so much more dedicated to his work, and that's why he's so successful.  I compare myself to others.  It's just what I do.  And I know I need to stop doing it, but I don't know how. 
  
  
• Fear of failure.  I'm terrified of failing again with my nonprofit.  The first time basically punched me in the ovaries and made me understand what it means to be passionate about your work and work hard at it.  And failing the first time was the motivating factor to get me to grad school, but I'm afraid I'm going to fail again.  Over and over again. 
  
  
• Unsatisfying friendships.  Do you really talk to all 562 of your Facebook 'friends?'  Neither do I.  I want to eliminate those fake friendships and those who only make appearances in my life when it's a convenience.  I want to surround myself with authentic friends who can satisfy my soul.
  
  
• Fear of vulnerability, dating, and relationships.  I got back into the dating game this year, and as much as it sucks, I'm really glad I'm doing it.  Being open to possibilities.  Meeting new men.  Discovering passion and sharing a spark.  Yet, I still fear putting myself out there and being vulnerable.  Knowing that a man can take advantage of everything you give him.  
  
  

New Year, new start.  What do you want to eliminate in 2011?

rocks in my socks. i mean, rocking my socks off.

{{This post is part of #reverb10, an annual event and month-long online initiative to reflect on this year and manifest what's next for 2011.

Today's Prompt:  Party.  What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010?}}

I'll admit, I don't go out much anymore.  Not because I don't want to, but because I'm too tired.  Or I don't want to spend the $150 on a bar tab, just to wake up the next morning with a massive hangover.  So when today's prompt was delivered in my inbox, I wasn't sure I wanted to participate.  Although, I haven't been keeping up with these prompts (I know, I'm SORRY) because I'm currently drowning in work, nonprofit and grad school.  I promise to get back into the swing of things. 

Funny how I used to be a big party girl when I first moved here.  I went out every night (often till 2AM) and I knew all of the VIP's and owners of nearly every bar and night club in the city.  I suppose I partied myself out in those two years, since now I am usually in bed by 10PM on a Friday night.  Be jealous.

So, what party rocked my socks off this year?  Well, it wasn't a party, so much as a weekend vacation to my cousin's lake house in Upstate NY with  these girls.

 

We spent four fabulous days unplugging from the big city and it was marvelous.  No responsibilities, no work, no deadlines.  Just relaxing on the deck, playing card games, failing at puzzles, attempting to be appropriate around my 62-year old cousin, and getting inebriated at two wine tastings.  I can't wait to go back next summer.

on making time

{{This post is part of #reverb10, an annual event and month-long online initiative to reflect on this year and manifest what's next for 2011.

 

Today's prompt:  Make.  What was the last thing you made?  What materials did you use?  Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?}}

{via}

 

Working a full-time job and running a nonprofit organization doesn't leave me room for much else.  And once graduate school starts next month, I'll have room for even less.  My Google calendar is filled with meetings, appointments, hockey games, tasks and events because it's the only way I am able to stay organized and sane.

 

This past weekend I had a laundry list of things I wanted to accomplish, like get my car inspected, get my laundry done, get some writing done, and catch up on some grad school reading.  But instead, I made time.  For a hockey tournament.  For grocery shopping.  For having a Saturday Girls' Night.  For a Sunday pot luck.  I made time to have a social life, because I believe it's important to make time for the things that make you happy, even if you don't always have the time for them.  We all say we're too busy for people, events, or to do something, but perhaps it's because we just don't make the time to invest ourselves more.  In friendships.  In relationships.  In our careers.  In getting more sleep.  In anything.  We work on trying to find a balance in our lives, but more often than not, something gets sacrificed for another and the next thing we know, we don't have time for anything.  

 

It's not about having time, it's about making time. We all have the time, but seldom do we actually make the time to do something.

"Letting go of all I've held onto..."

{{This post is part of #reverb10, an annual event and month-long online initiative to reflect on this year and manifest what's next for 2011.

Today's prompt:  Let go.  What (or whom) did you let go of this year?  Why?}}

After talking to a whore friend about today's prompt, I instantly thought of writing about letting go of my [former] best friend or letting go of a damaged relationship that I held onto for so long, but I realize that would be too easy because I've already blogged about that stuff.  You - and I - already know about that stuff.  

Letting go, of anything, is always the hardest part.  Because we don't realize just how difficult the process is until we're right in the thick of it.  But letting go is important in discovering what's important, who our true friends are, what we really deserve in a relationship, and how far we've come over the years.  If we held onto everything, we wouldn't get anywhere, right?

This year, I made a commitment to myself, to work through and let go of the raw, heart-wrenching pain of losing my parents.  Because at age 12 I didn't understand what losing a father really meant.  And at age 20, I was too busy trying to finish school to grieve properly for my mother.  This year was by far the hardest with Mother's Day, Father's Day, and the holidays.  While I believe that everything happens for a reason, I also believe that everything hurts for a reason.  The pain we feel is caused by someone or something.  The pain I felt earlier this year was by far the worst since losing both of my parents.

Letting go wasn't easy, and I'm still not completely 'there' yet.  I know I won't be 'there' for a very long time, if ever, but it took lots of tears, lots of reflection, lots of acceptance and lots of honesty for me to get to where I am today - and where I hope to be in the future.  It took spending most nights crying myself to sleep just so I could feel something other than numbness.  It took sitting in my room alone, consumed by sadness, just so I could acknowledge the pain.  

I've made some incredible strides in letting go of this pain.  I can finally tell a story about my parents and not well up.  I can finally talk about my father's suicide [somewhat] openly and not break down in tears.  It's not easy, but it's progress.  Big, big progress.  Monumental steps in letting go of all the raw, heart-wrenching pain I felt for the last seven years. 

Because once you hit rock bottom, there's only one way up.  And I know I'll get there.  Some day.

* title of this post can be heard in Hanging by a Moment by Lifehouse

under the radar

{{This post is part of #reverb10, an annual event and month-long online initiative to reflect on this year and manifest what's next for 2011.

Today's prompt:  Writing.  What do you do each day that doesn't contribute to your writing - and can you eliminate it?}}

I like living under the radar.  I like being a blogger that no one really knows.  I like hiding myself from the public spotlight, despite the fact that I've been published in Coping with Cancer Magazine, featured in Shape and Glamour magazines, and on the news. 

So, what stands in my way?  Not putting myself out there in the public spotlight in order to become a successful, established, well-known, published writer.

I fear my dream of publishing my memoir or a self-help book is hindered by the fact that I just don't like putting myself out there.  I don't like exposing the intimate details of my broken and damaged life to the public for fear of judgment and criticism.  Ironic, considering I run a nonprofit organization that empower young adults to live life with a purpose.

How can I eliminate this?  By exposing myself (metaphorically speaking).  By learning to be more comfortable on sharing my story of loss and triumph, because I do believe that I can inspire others with my story.

growth and passion

{{ This post is part of #reverb10, an annual event and month-long online initiative to reflect on this year and manifest what's next for 2011.

Today's prompt: One word.  Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word.  Explain why you're choosing that word.  Now, imagine it's one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? }}

 {via}

2010 has been a pivotal year for me.  Letting go of toxic friendships.  Investing more in healthier friendships.  Committing to therapy.  Getting back in the dating game.  Discovering my passion to make a difference in this world.  Learning what it means to live life on my own terms.  

How do I describe this year in one word?  GROWTH.

I was one of those people who thought I had all the answers.  I thought I could fix anything, do anything, and work through pain on my own.  But then I found myself sitting on my bathroom floor at 2AM on a Tuesday night in March, sobbing uncontrollably.  I knew why I was crying, but I didn't want to admit it.  Because when you admit something and put it out there, it becomes real.  Seven years of not grieving properly for my mother, and fifteen years of not grieving properly for my father, had finally caught up to me.  I knew it was time to seek professional help.  I knew it was finally time to work through my pain and grieve for my parents.  It takes courage to see a therapist, and I truly admire any person who has sought professional help.

It's been eight months of therapy and I didn't think I would get here.  To a point in my life where my heart doesn't constantly ache over losing my parents.  To accept the fact that, yes, this is my life, and be okay with it.  I still have bad days and bad moments.  My heart still aches, but the pain has subsided a bit.  I still miss them, and will always miss them. I've grown tremendously over this last year through acknowledgment and acceptance and it feels wonderful.


This time, next year...

I want to be passionate.  About my career.  About graduate school.  About my friendships.  About my life.  I want my passion to resonate in those around me and inspire others to make a change, conquer a fear, and live passionately.   

How would you encapsulate your year in one word?  And how do you hope to describe your 2011?

on choices, grad school, and making my dreams reality

{via}

Going to college wasn't in my long-term plans.  I wanted to go to culinary school and open up my own Bed & Breakfast some day.  Perhaps culinary school and that Bed & Breakfast is still in my future.  It's simple - I love to cook. I love testing out flavors, ingredients and spices and find it very therapeutic.  After a really long, stressful day all I want to do is spend an hour in my kitchen and cook up a delicious dinner.

But culinary school was expensive and my mother worked at the University (which meant free tuition), so it was clear what road I was headed down.  Looking back, it was one of the best things I could have done for myself because I graduated college with a Bachelor of Arts in Sociology, a minor in Criminology, and no school loans.  

I entered the real world shortly after graduation, accepting a position with the District Attorney's office in Philadelphia.  In the five years that I've lived here, I've held four full-time, paid jobs, started my own nonprofit organization, and established a freelance writing career.  I have juggled between the decision to go to law school or graduate school or continue working in the Corporate World.  I didn't want to commit to law school if my heart wasn't set on practicing law.  When I made the decision to start a nonprofit organization, I believed I could do it with no experience, no budget, and just a Bachelor's degree.  It's been three years with my organization and I have learned that I can't do this on my own, with no experience and no proper education.  But I got sucked into the Corporate World, like every one else, and enjoy the fact that I have a steady income and am able to live somewhat lavishly when I want to.  

A month ago, I hit a breaking point.  I called my oldest brother and cried.  I can't do this anymore, I said to him.  I wanted to quit my nonprofit.  The one thing I have worked so hard on, with so much passion, and I wanted to give up.  I feel like I failed.  When you put your heart and soul into a business for three years and you watch it fail day in and day out, it makes you wonder if you're really cut out for the entrepreneurial world.

"You have too much passion in this to give up now.  Is this what you want to do?  If you love it, if it makes you smile every day, then do whatever it takes to make your dreams a reality.  Because the only thing worse than failing, is quitting."

So, I made the decision to apply to graduate school for a Masters in Public Administration.  Because I know that I can't do this on my own.  My desire to take my nonprofit organization to the national level can't be done with very little experience and no solid, related education.

I thought my entrance into an Ivy League graduate school was a fluke.  In fact, I hesitated to apply to an Ivy League school because I didn't think I was good enough.  I received an e-mail titled: "Congratulations!" from the Dean last week and I thought it was spam.  I know I'm intelligent, but I never thought I was intelligent enough for Ivy League.  When I opened up the acceptance letter from the University of Pennsylvania later that day, I realized it wasn't a fluke.  This is real.  Starting my Masters in Government Administration in January.  Re-branding my nonprofit organization to expand our cancer outreach and tap into suicide awareness.  This is real.  Making the executive decision to transition from the legal field into the nonprofit/government field.  Knowing how much I love helping people, how determined I am at making a difference, and how serious I am at changing and saving lives.  This is all real, and there's no going back.

For the first time in a long time, I'm excited at what my future holds.  I'm anxious to start grad school in January.  I'm excited at the opportunity of taking my nonprofit to the national level.  I'm excited at the possibility of managing a Government agency or nonprofit organization some day soon and getting paid for it.  I finally feel like I'm on the right career track, like I finally know what I want to do, and there's no turning back now. 

"To want, and to be ambitious, and to want to be successful is not enough; that's just desire.  To know what you want, to understand why you're doing it, to dedicate every breath in your body to achieve it... if you feel like you have something to give, if you feel like your particular talent is worth developing, is worth caring for, then there's nothing you can't achieve."

- Kevin Spacey -

giving thanks

 {via, yours truly}

for my oldest brother.  the one who has always guided me through life and helped me find the right direction.  the one who has provided me with more love and support over this last year, than ever before.  the one who nudged me to apply for graduate school to make my dreams reality.  the one who has always offered honest, valuable advice, even if I didn't ask for it.  for all of this and more, I'm so thankful.


for my older brother.  the one who sacrificed six years of his life so that I could graduate from college, get a job, and move across the state.  the one who has put my needs before himself, to make sure that I was happy.  the one who always brings us together on Thanksgiving and Christmas, to continue our family traditions.  the one who is struggling, but won't show it.  the one who always wants the best for me, whatever that may be.  the 'glue' that holds this family together.  for all of this and more, I'm so thankful.


for my parents.  the ones who gave me a better life.  the ones who provided me with a good education, good manners and kindness.  the ones who raised me right, who taught me the importance of gratitude, and showed me how to cook really good food.  the ones who put clothes on my back, a roof over my head, and delicious food on the table.  the ones who told me to fight for all of the things I want in life, to believe in myself, and to never stop smiling.  for all of this and more, I'm so thankful.

This Thanksgiving holiday (and every day), I'm thankful for my family.  The wonderful memories I have of my parents, and the wonderful moments I spend with my brothers. 

What are you thankful for?

Life is beautiful

{via}

Remember when life wasn't so complicated?  When we didn't have to worry about bills, responsibilities or commitments.  When we didn't know what things like quarter-life crisis, commitment or depression meant.  When our imaginations ran wild and our big dreams and big goals got us through the day.  When we weren't dependent on schedules, caffeine, and e-mail.  When we could do whatever we want, whenever we want, and not worry about the repercussions, who got hurt along the way, and how our decisions would affect us later on in life. 

Life is messy and complicated. 

We struggle to make sense of what it means to be independent, financially responsible, professional, and loyal in life.  We struggle to understand the meaning of friendships and sacrifices.  We spend too much of our time waiting for someone to tell give us the answers, to guide us, or to tell us what to do.  We worry over the possibility of losing a job, being pushed into the 'friend zone,' being successful and knowing the difference between living life every day and showing up every day.

Life is stressful and overwhelming.

We make big decisions to open more doors for us.  We test our limits to see just how far we can push ourselves.  We make commitments when we know we shouldn't just so we can make others happy.  We make sacrifices because it's what grown-ups do.  We let things slip away in order to focus on the bigger picture.  Because it's the bigger picture that we're chasing - our hopes, our goals, our dreams.  Our happiness.

Life is beautiful.

Today I got a jump start on grad school - bought some text books and spent five hours reading, taking notes, and absorbing information.  

Today I was called dynamic.  Is that supposed to be a compliment?  I don't know.  

Today I learned that sometimes timing really is everything, and my timing sucks.  

Today I realized that I like the chase, but it never works out in my favor.  

Today royally kicked my ass in every possible way, but as messy, complicated, stressful and overwhelming life can be, it really is beautiful.

on learning to love myself

{via}

You can't expect someone else to love you until you learn to love yourself.

Simple, yet so true.  On a discussion of relationships and dating, the main focus was finding ways to love yourself after cancer.  Being single in a big city is tough enough, but being a cancer survivor and single in a big city makes it even more difficult.

My struggle with loving myself is difficult.  I haven't felt beautiful - inside and out - since before my battle with cancer.  I can't get to that point yet where I can look in a mirror and feel beautiful.  I can put all the make up on that I want, and wear my best "Saturday Night outfit," but I still won't feel beautiful.  

They say the best way to deal with any kind of pain is to work through it, but I don't know how to work through this.  I don't know how to make myself believe that I truly am beautiful.  I don't know how to accept the scars on my skin, my heart, and my soul. 

How do you learn to love yourself - flaws, scars, battle wounds and all?

I'm too young for this!

 

{via}

I attended a Boot Camp (read: very small conference) today, sponsored by the I'm Too Young For This! Cancer Foundation, to bring together young adult cancer survivors to increase action to eliminate cancer in young adults. 

When you get diagnosed with cancer, you feel isolated from the rest of the world.  Your family and friends don't understand what kind of emotional and physical pain you're going through because they aren't experiencing it.  So you naturally begin to think that you're the only one going through this pain and suffering.  You convince yourself that no one else out there in the big, big world will ever understand what you're going through.  And then suddenly you find websites like the National Cervical Cancer Coalition and the I2Y Foundation and you begin to realize that you aren't alone.

I don't really talk about my cancer with my non-cancer related friends.  Not because I don't want to, but because I know that they just won't get it.  You can't really understand a person's feelings or emotions unless you've experienced it yourself.  So, I save the cancer talk for my cancer friends.  Because they know and they feel and they understand. 

Today, I met two women who are recent cervical cancer survivors and we all shared our stories.  One young woman asked if we all shared the same physical pains - like bladder issues and constant back pains - as she.  I thought I was the only one, I told her.  We're never alone when it comes to cancer; somewhere, someone is experiencing the same things you are.  When you go through something like radiation and chemotherapy, you don't really understand how bad it is until after you've survived your battle.  Constant back pain.  Feeling like you have to pee every five minutes.  Ringing in your ears.  It sucks, but I hide it well when I'm around others because I don't want their pity (also because I'm addicted to extra strength Tylenol.  What?)

I'm too young for this.  Diagnosed at 23.  Trying to reclaim my life at 27.  Wondering if I'll ever reach that point in my life where I won't constantly think about my cancer.  Waiting to reach my 5-year anniversary so the fear of recurrence disappears.  Cancer changes your life.  Emotionally.  Physically.  Mentally.  Gen-Y'ers have enough to worry about - jobs, finances, friendships, relationships - we shouldn't have to worry about cancer. 

I just hope one day we can find a cure for it.  And I hope one day I can reclaim my life.

time heals all wounds

{via}

Eventually a broken heart will heal.  Like anything, it takes time.  Sometimes it means having to hit rock bottom before rising back to the top.  But with every big experience in life, there's always a lesson to learn.

A messy, complicated, soul-shattering three-year relationship with a man who couldn't commit was heart-wrenching to get over.  Maybe because he was the first man I truly fell in love with, or maybe because I wanted what I couldn't have.  Regardless, that relationship broke me down and tore me apart, but it also helped me glue my pieces back together. 

It took me nearly three years after our relationship ended until I finally got my closure.  Accepting the fact that I wouldn't ever be good enough is enough to shatter any woman's soul.  I finally got it.  It was always her; I was just the string he wrapped around his finger.  Acceptance was the hardest part.  Because I wasn't just losing a lover, I was losing a best friend.  

Three weeks ago I sent him a final e-mail, forgiving him for our messy, broken past.  I forgave him for all of the things he did, the things he didn't do, and the things that shattered my soul.  But most importantly, I forgave myself for beating myself up over it, for the heart-wrenching pain I felt those three years post-break up and for allowing myself to believe that I wasn't worthy enough for a man.  Sometimes the most painful feelings are the ones we inflict on ourselves.  

It's been a long three years, but I know I'm in a much happier place thanks to therapy, self-reflection, and forgiveness.  Realizing that I spent two years chasing after a man who couldn't commit.  Accepting the fact that maybe we weren't really soul-mates.  Forgiving him for breaking my heart.  He didn't do it intentionally. Understanding how delicate hearts truly are.  Believing that this relationship made me stronger as a woman searching for love.  Knowing that sometimes the risk isn't always worth the reward. 

I never thought I would get here.  To a place where my heart doesn't ache, and my soul is being glued back together.  As much as it hurts, I believe that everyone should get their heart broken at least once.  It's going to tear you to pieces and leave you lying in a puddle of tears on your bathroom floor for days, but it makes you understand and appreciate what true love is.  

Because if you can recover from a broken heart, you can do just about anything. 

"So go on, go on and break my heart

I'll be okay, I'm fearless

Better believe I'm fearless" 

putting a ring on it...too soon

{via}

How soon is too soon to get engaged? 

A friend of mine proposed to his wife six weeks after dating her.  They were engaged for two years and have been married for 9.  The first time he told me that story, I was shocked.  Call me old fashioned, but I believe in savoring a relationship, and living with your partner before even considering getting engaged.  Because you don't really know someone until you live together.  I dated my college boyfriend for three years, we spent one summer living together and at the end of that summer I broke it off because we weren't compatible. 

I know for some people it works.  You get caught up in the thrill of the relationship and you rush into everything.  But even my friends who are now divorced say that they wouldn't rush into a relationship or an engagement.

A friend sent me a text this morning asking if I had heard the good news.  Considering this was someone I hadn't talked to in a while, and someone I don't really talk to often, I was surprised when I received a message.  

"She proposed and he said yes!"  

My ex-best friend met this guy on Match.com in July in Florida.  They went out on one date, hooked up that night, and the next morning he left for Texas, where he was stationed (he's in the Army).  They haven't seen each other since that night, although they talked via text message and phone frequently.  I knew she was going out to see him soon, and I had also known (through word of mouth) that she had applied for a marriage license in the State of Texas.  So it wasn't a big shock when this mutual friend of ours told me she had proposed to the guy and is now engaged.  

I suppose what I can't wrap my head around is the fact that she completely rushed into this relationship.  How do you know you've found "the one" after just one night of being with someone?  I don't get it, and maybe I'm not supposed to, but I have always wanted to believe that my ex-best friend was an intelligent person and made decisions that would better her life.  I can't support this decision, and I can't help but feel like they are headed for divorce.  I just hope they have what it takes to beat the odds.

a clean slate

{via} 

 "The world is but a canvas to the imagination."

- Henry David Thoreau -

I feel like I failed.  Spending countless hours working on something that I consistently put my heart and soul into, only to have it crash and burn in the end.  At least to me, it felt like it crashed and burned.  Wasted time.  Wasted effort.  Wasted talent.  I know I'm better than this.  I know I have it in me to do this, but I'm sinking and I don't know how to stay afloat. 

I want to make a change.  I want my efforts to be powerful and effective.  I want others to know how much this means to me.  But it's tough to continue with those efforts when you realize that everything you worked on - and for - has failed.  

The decision didn't come easy.  I consulted quite a few friends and colleagues in the industry for advice and suggestions.  Frankly, I just wanted someone to tell me what to do.  I didn't want to make a bad decision, especially after working so hard for so long.  I wanted someone to tell me I was doing the right thing. 

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

It's back to the drawing board.  Again.  I'm having a tough time finding my creativity and motivation with this.  I feel like all of my energy has been sucked out over the last three years.  I feel like I have nothing left to give.  

When I let go of my friendship with my best friend, I questioned whether I would have the ability to continue working on our nonprofit - which we founded together.  I was afraid I wouldn't be able to truly let go of our friendship, knowing she would continue to be a part of the story and background with the nonprofit.  But the idea of starting all over again terrified me.  I'm not cut out for this. 

It's tough to find the motivation to start all over again when I feel like I completely failed at it the first time.  I know it's for the best though.  I know that in order to do what I want and get to where I need to be in the nonprofit industry, I need to start all over again.  New nonprofit.  New story (kind of).  Fresh start. 

I just hope I can do it better this time around.

on making it count

{PHL > SEA in March 2010}

In March, I went to Seattle to visit my cousin, Amoreena.  It was my first trip to Seattle and it was the first time in about 10 years since I had seen her.  Leading up to the trip, I was a bit anxious because I wasn't sure how the trip would go.  Would we get along?  Would the conversations flow?  Would we have much to talk about other than family stuff?

Amoreena and I basically grew up together.  We spent many family vacations together in Pittsburgh, Columbus, OH (where my grandmother lived) and Michigan (her hometown).  When my dad and grandmother passed away in the 90's, distance kept us apart.  We all got older, graduated from high school, went off to college, moved away from home and it just became way too difficult to plan vacations together.  Over time, it was tough to remain a part of each other's lives without feeling like we had to just because we were family.  Prior to my trip out to Sea-town, the last time I actually remember seeing Amoreena was at her mother's wedding in.... 1998? 1999?

We reconnected thanks to that evil thing called Facebook a few years back, and I will admit, I'm very grateful for it because it's allowed us to re-kindle our relationship.  But things are always different in person than they are online.  And relationships change over the years, especially from adolescence to adulthood.

My first night in Seattle we stayed up till 4AM (which was 7AM for me, since I was still running on East Coast time) drinking wine, talking, laughing, and doing a puzzle.  After that, I knew our weekend would be amazing.  And of course, it was.  Good conversation, delicious coffee (and wine), and spending quality time together.  It was exactly how I wanted the trip to be.  We created our own memories.

Tomorrow, Seattle invades Philadelphia.  My cousin has never been to the East Coast (shocking, I know).  We're going to cram a month's worth of activities into five days.  Wine and cheese night.  Game night.  Playing tourist.  Eating cheesesteaks.  Museums.  Playing at Condom Kingdom.  Going to a Haunted House.  I couldn't be more excited to spend time with her and show her my city and introduce her to my amazing friends. 

I don't get to see my extended family much so when I do, I make it count.  Because we should make every day count.  These next five days are sure to be epic and I can't wait.

"Nice to know you, goodbye."

"I believe you're a good person with good intentions ... but our friendship is just bad for me."

There's no good, easy way to break up with someone.  It's going to be painful and you're going to feel like you made the wrong decision.  But you have to rip off the band-aid.  Quick, and with one pull.

(TWSS?  No?)

After nearly two years of turmoil with my best friend, I knew we were headed down an ugly path.  After spending countless conversations trying to fight for our friendship and fix us, I soon realized that my efforts were going unnoticed.  It hurts when you pour everything you have into a friendship, day after day, knowing that in the end, that person was just taking you for granted.

I believe she was a good person - and still is - but our friendship was just bad for me.  I realize that we have just grown apart over the last several months.  We are both at different stages of our lives right now, and we don't see eye-to-eye on much of anything anymore.  She's not a bad person, she's just a bad friend.

"I thought I knew what it meant to be a 'best friend' and to have a 'best friend,' but lately I have realized that the label isn't something you throw around lightly.  It's a title that deserves to be earned.  And as long as it takes someone to earn that title, it's easy for it to be taken away from them too."

I hate labels and being defined by something or someone.  People in our lives - friends, family, significant others - should compliment us, not define us.  When I realized that my 'best friend' wasn't being a best friend (or any friend), I knew I had to cut the cord.  I spent too much of my time in therapy trying to find a way to fix the friendship, rather than finding ways to fix other areas of my life.  I was making myself more unhappy, knowing that I was holding on to a one-sided friendship.  

The act was easy.  The decision was more difficult.  Because this wasn't someone who had just come into my life and steered me wrong once.  This was a person whom I had built a 15-year friendship with.  Someone who had stuck by my side through the worst times in my life, who believed in me when I stopped believing in myself.  It's not easy to let go of a 15-year friendship in a simple email.  As I typed each and every word, memories flashed through my mind. 

"I wish you all the best with everything.  I hope you continue to fight for your dreams and the things that matter most to you.  And I hope someday you will find your own happiness."

I feel relieved.  Almost like I'm finally free and breathing fresh air for the first time in years.  And her reaction was exactly what I predicted.  A reply email telling me that she will give me what I want and not fight for our friendship.  That's when I knew I had made the right decision.  A small part of me wanted her to fight for the friendship because I wanted to believe that it was just as important to her, as it had been to me.  But when she said she won't fight for our friendship, I realized that we were, in fact, done.  I made the right decision and I have no regrets.  All I ever wanted was to feel like our friendship was something to fight for; I wanted to feel like she believed in me, in us.  But now I know. 

Not all friendships are worth fighting for.