A Guest Post Poem

POP.

Did you hear that?  Do you know what it was? That was the sound of me popping the proverbial cherry of KT’s Guest Blog practices. I don’t know why she’s never had a guest poster. It could only get her more readers. I’m not even so sure why this bish doesn’t have more readers. She’s pretty awesome. Then again, she does have some of the most awesome friends in the world.

Ahem.ME.Ahem.

But in her own respect, she’s pretty cool. Even though that doesn’t sound too meaningful, it is. I hate emotions. They make me want to vomit. That being said, I think its important to tell friends how much you….love them. I tried not to choke on that, but I did. (TWSS.)

So, in honor of emotions and doing things differently in 2010 (That’s the excuse I use for everything these days, like eating more steak,  moving, and not taking a shower.), I present a poem. Dedicated to KT .

Note: I combined lots of Poetry Styles here. Don’t attack my Iambic Pentameter, because I’m pretty sure it doesn’t appear in here.

My Sweet Infected Bladder

By: Katie [Blogs]

We met one day via a Gmail E-mail Chain
We were planning to attend a meetup, right?
Our method of travel was going to be the train,
I must admit it was love at first type.

You told me I was your girlfriend,
I thought this was mega swell,
But then you told me to text you dirty,
And wanted me to have a sex change and become “Mel”.

Though I could not provide you what you needed,
Because I’m severely afraid of erectile penises. Weird.
You explained to me so kindly that I wasn’t a freak and said:
“You just have  Ithyphallophobia, my sexy little reindeer”

We are nearing our 8 month celebration,
Of our initial meeting online,
I demand that we celebrate
Over our favorite Riesling wine.

 Despite our strong bond,
We have had our ups and down,
See-Saw, See-Saw, See-Saw
You’re still my favorite girl in the Bro-town.

If  you were ever in trouble, I hope you’d reach out,
And call on a favor from me.
Like if you were being attacked by a trout,
Or raped by a manatee.(Seriously, they're vicious. I saw one on 20/20 last week.)

Even though my feelings often go unsaid
I need you to know the truth of the matter
If I could name a Crayola after you,
I’d name it something cute that reminded me of you like “Infected Bladder”. 

If we were walking down the street,  And some hoodlum called your name out
Id kick him in the kidney, and whip out my weapon, that I always have with me,
That good old trusty, rusty,
12 inch Machete

When the days are long, and the lights are dim,
And life isn’t going just right,
Always remember I’m a phone call away
Morning, Afternoon, or Late at Night.

Despite all of the crap we've been through (which really isn't a lot, just a little hiccup), you're one of my favorite people, and one of the only one's who can make me laugh. I believe in you, your abilities, and that someday you're going to rock this world., You already rock mine.

Oh, and I'll write YOU a poem, dear readers, for the small fee of $5.  Or, if you ask nicely while licking your lips and blowing kisses my way. (via)