it never turns out the way I envisioned it would

I always envisioned that important milestone in a relationship when those three words are said:

Let's get naked.


I love you.

Sometimes I dream up scenarios.  Like saying it at a fancy restaurant over a candle-lit dinner.  Or walking through a park on a warm, summer day.  It's something that you want to be able to remember and smile when you think about it.

Of course, I also envision saying those words to someone who I can fall madly in love with and actually mean it.

But if there's one thing I've learned about big moments in my life (and my relationships), it's that it never turns out the way I envisioned it would.

Case in point:

It's Friday night and I'm sitting on my couch watching Role Models.

("You know what I had for breakfast this morning?  Cocaine!  You know what I had for lunch?  Cocaine!")

I'm sexting  texting with Mr. Wolf-man, asking if he shaved his back yet how his work party was going.  He replies with his usual, predictable comments:

"I miss you." 
"You're amazing."
"You're beautiful."

Now, normally a girl would swoon over comments like those.  But considering he says those things to me every five seconds of every day (literally) I pretty much ignore them.

But it gets better.

Then he whips out the big [hairy] guns and says:

"I love you."

Aaaand, vomit.

Not exactly how I pictured hearing those three little words. And instead of getting giddy and butterflies in my stomach, I got nauseous. 

Awesome, right?

So I replied back, by telling him I was taking his friend as my date to a wedding in June.  Probably not the best time to confess that, but I had to change the subject, else I would have puked all over my phone.

I'm pretty sure I crushed his heart when I told him that.

Now I just have to pray that my Canadian Crush doesn't have a hairy back or I may swear off men for the rest of my life the summer.


Am I crazy, or is back hair (a lot, not a little of it) a total deal breaker in a relationship?