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"Life isn't always easy. OK, it's rarely easy. We all face some pretty big "ouch" moments just by being here and it's not always easy to cope. And, more often than not, it's the painful moments that catch us by surprise."
Yesterday was one of those days. This week is one of those weeks. A part of me wants to scream, but another part of me wants to break down and cry. I can feel the depression sinking in and I'm trying so hard to fight it.
I miss my parents. I miss them every day, but for some reason today - and all of this week - I have missed them even more. I miss that unconditional love and support parents give their children. I miss big family holidays together. I miss the moments, the laughter, the love. I try not to let this be a crutch in my life but I have days - moments - when I deeply and genuinely miss them.
I am trying to find the "good" in all of this, but I am not sure what good comes out of a child losing both of her parents at such a young age. I feel like I have missed out on so much because I have spent the last six years trying to get my life together. I'm still not together and I'm not sure I'll ever be.
Sophia Loren said it best: "Everything you live through helps to make you the person you are now."
I know that I'm a stronger person for having lived through this so early in my life. I know that I'm a better person because I realize not to take anything for granted anymore. I know that by living through that, I can live through anything. But sometimes I just want a day - a moment - to be consumed in the sadness of it all. Sometimes you have to sink to the bottom before you can rise to the top.
"There are moments in your life that make you and set the course of who you're going to be. Sometimes they're little, subtle moments. Sometimes they're big moments you never saw coming. No one asks for their life to change - but it does. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you really are."
- Whistler -
Whenever someone asks me if I regret anything I've done or haven't done in life so far, I always answer no. Sure, there are some things I probably should have done differently, but all the things I've done accumulate to what is me. And I'm learning to love me for who I am, not who I could be if I could erase my mistakes.
ReplyDelete"The harder you fall, the higher you bounce".
ReplyDeleteI think one of the hardest things in life is wanting to feel and not being able to. Whether its because you want to cry, but your location doesn't allow you to, but the tears well up anyway. Or, when you're home, alone wanting to just melt away in the saddness for a second, but the tears won't come.
Even though I didn't lose mine in the tragic way that you did, I feel almost that I don't have parents or siblings because for one reason or another we just don't click. Me, and my mom are on the outs. My dad is like my child and my brother is a delinquent. One might argue that at least I "have them". But it's difficult.
Emotions are hard as hell, but you have to allow yourself to feel them. You're so strong all of the time. I saw you cry once, and this is going to sound so gay, but it was beautiful because you never show your emotions, much like me.
Oh my god.
I'm gay.