on my next big city

“I told her stop trying
‘Cause the reason for your tears
Aren’t worth crying”

On a cold, rainy day like today I wish I lived in a more tropical climate. I wish I could wear flip flops and tank tops year round. I wish the sun would shine more often. I wish I didn’t have to wear sweaters and jackets.

Every year, usually around November or December, the bitterness of living in this city begins to set in. I begin to despise the cold temperatures, the fact that I have to wear socks and shoes, and having to dress in layers. Today, that bitterness set in. Living in this city is now becoming more stagnant and starting to become unbearable. It’s ironic because just the other day I told a friend how good it was to be home after coming from Chicago. Of course, Chicago’s weather is about eight times worse during the winter months than Philadelphia’s. And it didn’t help that it was cold, rainy and windy in the mid-west.

The more I stay in this city, the more I wonder if this is where I’m going to stay for the rest of my life. It’s scary. I never planned on coming back to this city after college, but … life has a mysterious way of working itself out. And now that I’m here, I like it. I’ve done a lot of traveling this past year – Vegas, Washington DC, New York City, Boston, Chicago – and I still have a few more places to hit before the year is over. I think all the traveling I do is what makes living in this city tolerable.

I’m craving something else. Something different. Something warmer. But I’m not sure if this is for real or just because the seasons are changing and winter will soon be upon us. I had every intention of moving to Chicago in 2009 but that was easily squashed when I realized that I despise cold weather. I have thoughts of moving to Arizona, California or Texas. Sometimes I dream of being “that girl” who quits her job and moves across the country to start a new life. But then I realize that I have worked way too hard to make a life for myself in this city. The thought of leaving this life and my friends behind absolutely terrifies me. It’s my friends and my social life that make me continue to live in this city year after year. But it’s my career that forces me to stay in this city.

One thing I know for certain – I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in this city. I travel so much because I’m looking for something more, something better. I’m looking for my next destination, my next place to call “home.” I’m looking for that big city I can fall in love with. I just don’t know where that city is yet.

As the winter months approach, my need for traveling to warmer climates grows stronger. Arizona. Texas. California. They’re on the top of my list of places to go next. And I have a feeling one of those states is for me; one of those states will be my next home.

I know life works out – and most of the time in ways we just don’t understand – but I’m not a very patient person. I’m trying to focus on the things I’ve built up here so that when I leave, I can hopefully take them with me to my next place. I’m trying to find the strength I need to be able to let go of everything I have here and start a new life, a better life, somewhere else. I’m trying to let go of those who have wronged me and those who have hurt me. But most importantly, I’m trying to let go of settling for right now and accept the fact that I have better things waiting for me ahead.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

I want to be that change.

And soon enough, I’ll get it.

“Cause this life is a beautiful one
And though I’ve seen it comin’ undone
I know most definitely it works out
the way it’s meant to be
So, baby, keep your head up
Keep it on the up and up”