on career soul searching

On a rainy, cold night like tonight, I found myself cleaning my house, unpacking from Chicago, drinking some wine and watching a movie rather than spending unnecessary money at the bar.  At one point I think I stopped and said to myself, am I really staying in on a Saturday night?!

I've done a lot of career soul searching lately - in between the three jobs I hold, the events I'm planning and the moments spent with friends.  Yesterday my firm fired a secretary.  I don't know why she was let go, but I have a feeling it had to do with her lack of acceptable work product, rather than my firm downsizing.  Seeing her walk past my office, in tears, telling another secretary she was fired, really sent shivers down my spine.  My heart raced as the clock was striking 5PM.  Most of the big law firms in the city have laid of a significant number of employees.  My firm managed to make it through the entire summer doing well.  Now this.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared shit-less going into work on Monday.

My best friend was let go from her company this past week, and another friend of mine was let go from his law firm on Thursday.  I don't know what I would do if I lost my job.  As much as I don't want to think about that, I feel like I'm going to be "on watch" at work now for god only knows how long.  And it doesn't help that my yearly review is coming up in November.

I'm starting to feel like I'm getting into a career-funk and I don't know how to shake it.  The two jobs I'm overly passionate about, don't pay.  The job that I like and consider just okay, does.  I've been there for a year now, and I feel like this just isn't what I want to do anymore.  But I know quitting my job in this tough economy right now is stupid.

I've thought about getting my Master's Degree in either Non-Profit Management or Social Work but I wouldn't want to give up my full-time job to go back to school.  At the same time though, sometimes we need to make sacrifices now, to get to where we want to be in life.  I just wish those sacrifices didn't have to be so costly right now.  If my non-profit could get to where I want it to be, then I wouldn't have to go back to school, but I feel like it's going to take several years before we are even at that level.  Time is of the essence - if I don't go back now, I may never.

I love working with my non-profit and I love being so passionate about something because not many people can say they are that passionate about anything in their life.  I want to make a difference - whether its by helping eradicate cervical cancer or helping juveniles get their life back - I relish the satisfaction of going home at the end of the day knowing you changed someone's life or helped make a difference.

I'm starting to wonder if I chose the wrong career.  I have spent 6+ years in the legal field and I don't think this is where I'm supposed to be. I've lost that passion I once had for this stuff.  I don't get that "rush" of working on a high-profile case anymore.  I don't get that satisfaction I once did of going to court.  When people ask me what I do, I don't tell them I work at a law firm - I tell them I have my own non-profit organization.  And for some reason, saying that (and hearing myself say that), brings a huge smile to my face.

I feel like I have lost myself and the person I used to be.

Or maybe I've just grown up into the woman I really am, and with my non-profit organization, I have found the kind of job I'm supposed to be doing.

"Now we see everything that's going wrong
With the world and those who lead it
We just feel like we don't have the means
To rise above and beat it


So we keep waiting
Waiting on the world to change"