on expectations, happiness, change, and my 30-day commitment

"We are who we are.  People don't change."

- Great Expectations -

You can spend your entire life growing up with someone - watching them experience some of life's biggest moments - but it can take just one simple moment to question who they really are.  And it's in that simple moment that makes you wonder how well you really know them.

It's not about changing someone, it's about changing your expectations of them.  It's about shifting your focus on someone else when that person can't meet your needs.  And just because a person can't meet your needs, doesn't mean they don't care.  Maybe they just haven't grown as much as you have, and that's okay.  It's about paying attention to who a person really is and accepting them, because like you, they have flaws too.

I'll admit; I tend to hold high expectations of [some of] my friends.  Maybe because I have high expectations of myself.  I believe that people should always have integrity and strive to do their best.  The problem is, more often than not, certain friends are unable to meet my expectations.  And then that leads to, well if they can't meet my expectations, then maybe they aren't a good friend after all.  Just because someone can't meet my expectations, doesn't mean they aren't a good friend.  

Case in point:

Certain holidays are always hard for me - Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mother's Day and Father's Day.  And my birthday.  (yes, that's a holiday.  September 3rd.  Write that down, bitches.  Send me vibrators and lube presents.).  My best friend, who has literally been with me through nearly every tragic event in my life, never bothered to pick up the phone and call or text me on Mother's Day.  I expected her to at least send me a text letting me know she was thinking of me because she knows my situation and I thought she knew how hard Mother's Day always is for me.  Is that too much to ask for?  I was upset because her action (or non-action?) showed me that she didn't care.

The thing is, it's been seven years and not once has she ever reached out on Mother's Day.  Why am I still holding onto that thin shred of hope?  Because I want to believe that she'll change.  I want to believe that she isn't the self-absorbed person she now is, and will continue to be.

I realize now, almost a week after Mother's Day and feeling angry and frustrated about this, that I can't change my best friend.  All I can do is change my expectations and shift my focus to other friends who can meet those needs.  It doesn't mean she won't continue to be my best friend, it just means that she doesn't have the capacity, as a person, to be the friend that I need on those certain days.  Some people just aren't made for those kind of things.  Eventually, you have to let go of that tiny shred of hope and accept that person for the things they cannot do.  It doesn't mean they are a bad person.  They just haven't grown as much as you have.

Lately I have been in kind of a rut.  It's been an emotional roller coaster seeing a therapist to sort out the emotional issues I have with grieving for my parents, the struggle I'm having with my best friend, and the recent situation that I had to experience at work.  I'm so glad I'm doing this, but frankly I've never been good with emotions (who do I sound like? *cough* this girl *cough*), so having these feelings rush out of me all at once is very overwhelming.  I'm doing this because I know I need a change in my life.  I need to find happiness.  I need to be able to look myself in the mirror and not feel guilty and regretful about my past. 

I'm ready to let go of my past, embrace my present and smile about my future.  I'm ready to find my happiness.

Enter, Stratejoy and this:

I missed the first opportunity to do this because I had way too much going on at the time.  Well, I still have way too much going on now, but as Dave Matthews says:  

"no day but today."  

This my commitment.  Every day.  For thirty days.  No excuses.  I'm muff diving in and putting everything I have into it.  Because as Molly says, you only get out of it, what you put in.

For all you female quarter-life crisis'ers (sorry guys, ladies only!), I encourage you to do this.  I can't promise you it's going to work for you, but I know a few people who have completed this and said it's changed their lives.  And the best part?  Pay what you can.  Don't feel guilty for donating just $10 when this usually costs $149.  It's all about you.  Take that $10 (or however much you want) and donate it, but make sure you put everything you have into this project. 

Maybe you can't change other people, but you can definitely change yourself.  

"With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.  Strive to be happy."
- Desiderata, Max Ehrmann -