I realize, perhaps all too late, that our experiences shape our lives. When you look back on your life, what do you remember most? What gives your life any kind of substance? Your experiences. You remember the experiences that made you happy, and those that broke your heart. You remember those experiences that challenged you to the very depths of your core, and those other ones that you hope to never live through again. And hopefully, you learn from them.
At the young age of 26, I've experienced more than I wanted. From bad friendships, to losing both of my parents, to breakups, to surviving cancer - these experiences (and all the other ones) have shaped my life. In a way, they have made me the woman I am today - stronger, smarter and (hopefully) wiser. I put a guard up to most people around me because I know that very few people in my life can be trusted. I stand up for what I believe in because if I don't, neither will anyone else. I work hard at everything I do because I truly believe it is the only way to become successful. I take very few things for granted now a days.
With the New Year right around the corner, I have spent a lot of time soul searching. Chalk it up to a quarter-life crisis, but I have recognized (again, perhaps all too late), that I'm searching for that missing piece of the puzzle to complete my inner happiness.
2009 was surprisingly a good year. I traveled, I tested my limits, I enriched my professional background and I created some great memories with some amazing friends. That, in and of itself, is absolutely priceless. But there's still something missing. Yes, I'm happy, but I'm not completely happy. I'm not inner-ly happy. I'm just outer-ly happy. Does that make sense? I think I tend to portray a certain level of happiness to others around me so I don't show weakness. I learned that weakness means vulnerability, and I hate feeling vulnerable to others.
About six months or so ago, I applied for a position with a government agency. I never actually thought they would contact me about the job until recently when I received that phone call. It took me by surprise, but a part of me felt happy. But there's a catch (of course there is, nothing in life is easy, right?). If I get cleared for this position, it means giving up my current life. It means taking a respite from my friends, family and social life to pursue what could be a life-changing career. It means permanently giving up my work in the non-profit field for a high-profile government career. It means giving up that stability in my life and relocating every two years. It means giving up everything I know for a life unknown. Could I do it? Absolutely. Do I want to do it? I'm still deciding.
2010 is my year of inner happiness. I know I won't find my inner happiness immediately. I also know that it could take an entire lifetime to find that inner happiness, but I want to know that by this time next year, I am one step closer to finding that inner happiness. I want to know that I'm on the right path to living a good, successful, happy life, inside and out. I want to know that I'm doing things for myself and no one else.
Afterall...
...I want to make the most of it.
What a seriously beautiful post. I'm glad you had a great 2009. 2009 was also really wonderful for me and I feel like I accomplished a lot.
ReplyDeleteHopefully, in 2010 the decisions you need to make will become a bit more clear and everything will fall into place, like it should :)
What a genuine post. :)
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the new year!