on realizations, job opportunities, moving to California, and making my dreams a reality

"Take your hesitance
And your self-defense
Leave them behind, it's only life
Don't be so afraid
Of facing everyday
Just take your time, it's only life"

Sometimes it takes helping someone else through their problem(s) before you realize you just helped yourself through your own.

 Tonight, I had a realization. 

It was the first time in a very long time that I was able to think clearly.  Part of it had to do with helping my BFF through her current struggle with her lack of a job and finding out what her next step is.  Another part of it had to do with the fact that I was out of my element (even though I was back in my hometown) and able to get away from my hectic city life.  I was finally able to think clearly on some things - albeit I had to talk my BFF through her own problems - to get that shining moment I needed to figure out my next step.

I moved away from home right after I graduated college because I needed something better in my life.  I needed to make something happen for myself.  It was scary and the first year was probably the hardest, adjusting to the streets, the people, the night life and the neighborhoods.  But I survived.  For five years I have now created this amazing life for myself in a city that I never thought I'd come back to.  I doubted myself and certain moments I wanted to give in, re-pack all of my belongings and move back home.  But I didn't.  I weighed it out, fought my battles and rose to the top. 

Tonight I realized that I'm ready for my next journey.  This move was only supposed to be temporary.  It's been five years.  I'm ready for something else.  I'm ready to pack up and leave. 

The other day I came across a job opening.  I wasn't actively looking, but it showed up in my google alerts and it caught my eye, so I checked it out.  The job couldn't be more perfect for me.  But there's a catch.  It's in Sacramento, California.  It means packing up and literally moving across the country. 

On my flight home, I kept thinking about the job.  What if I get an interview?  What if they offer me the position?  Could I really move across the country?  What about my life here in Philadelphia?  What about my friendships here?

The anxiety started to set in.  I could feel this huge weight on my shoulders. 

Tonight, I had a realization.  While talking to my BFF and telling her that she shouldn't have to settle for a dead end relationship, or a guy who won't let her experience her own life, I realized that I shouldn't have to settle for a job I'm not completely happy with, a city I'm not entirely in love with, or a life I'm settling for.

Then it hit me.  My missing piece - my missing happiness - is settling for a city, a job, a LIFE I'm not completely in love with. 

My best friend said she envied my life because I'm living on my own and doing all of this stuff.  I envy all of those people who quit their jobs on a whim with nothing else lined up and move half way across the country...or those people who quit their jobs and end up traveling the world.  I wish I had the balls to do that.

But the thing is, I could do that.  I could quit my job on Tuesday to travel the world or to move across the country.  But there's something preventing me from doing it - like money, bills, money, and rent.  Oh, and money. 

Tonight, I told my BFF that she needs to take some time away from her family and boyfriend and go somewhere - somewhere out of her element, like Denver.  She needs to take a long weekend and just go there - no cell phone, no email, no communication to the outside world.  She just needs to live, be and breathe.  She needs to re-gain that beauty and self-confidence that I once saw in her.  Like when she briefly lived in Baltimore. 

As I was telling my friend all of this, I realized that I need to take my own advice.  I need to go somewhere out of my element to just live, be and breathe. 

You only have this one life to live - make the most of it.

I promised myself that 2010 would be the Year of Me.  This is the year I make some big decisions and changes.  I decided I'm going to apply for that job in Sacramento.  And if that job doesn't pan out?  Well I'm going to start saving up enough money so I can quit my current job in April so I can travel... and perhaps move across the country.

January is a new month and a New Year.  All of those decisions I've been putting off for the last few years are going to be decided.  No hesitation, no second guessing, no reservations.  It's time to stop worrying about leaving my friends and the life I've made for myself here, and start planning the life I'm going to make for myself somewhere else.  Quite possibly in California. 

Sure, it's scary to think about the unknown, but that's what makes life so exciting and thrilling.  If we knew how our life was going to end up, would it be as fun or enjoyable?  Probably not.  Sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind and just do it.

It's my life, it's my turn.  At the end of the day, it's all about what makes me happy.  Those friends who truly matter will always be there.  So will my family.  I'm ready for my next journey.  It's time to make those dreams a reality.

"Don't look away
Don't run away
Hey baby it's only life
Don't lose your faith
Don't run away
Hey baby its only life
Yea it's only life"