the good, the bad... and a lewis black joke

I've lived in this City of Brotherly love for about five years now and it's been five years too long  it's time for the good, the bad and...a Lewis Black joke.

And since it's Friday, you get bullets.

You're welcome.

The Good:

• Kelly Drive.  I absolutely despise driving on 76 (aka the "Schuylkill" - more on that later).  I am absolutely terrible with navigating (just ask her), so it took me a good long while to find back roads in this city.  I finally figured out how to get onto Kelly Drive from the city and I have to say, I love driving on it.  Except when drunk.  Never take Kelly Drive when intoxicated because of all the twists and turns.  But on a warm, summer night I find myself turning the music up a little louder, rolling my windows down a little lower and just taking it all in (that's what she said).  

• Boat House Row.  If you drive on the Schuylkill or Kelly Drive at night, you'll eventually see Boat House Row.  And it's absolutely gorgeous.  See?

• Art Museum on the 4th of July.  I love fireworks, and not just on Independence Day.  I've seen many fireworks shows in several different cities in my lifetime and I have to say, the fireworks at the Art Museum on the 4th of July are breathtaking.  Plus, the city has musical performances.  Last year it was Sheryl Crow and the year before that it was John Legend.  Seriously?  It's awesome.  If you live in this city and haven't experienced sex the fireworks, do it next summer.  See?

(this poster doesn't do it justice)

• Soft pretzels.  I've eaten a lot of cock soft pretzels in my day and philly soft pretzels kick every other city's soft pretzel ass.  Spicy mustard on the side, please.

• The Phanatic.  Even though I don't like the Phillies, I will say that they have the best. mascot. ever.  

(at the World Series Parade - 2008)

•  Parks.  The parks here are phenomenal.  I walk through Rittenhouse Park every day and it's by far one of my favorite things about living in this city.  Especially during the summer when everyone is out enjoying the nice weather.  Love Park which has the renown Love statue (case closed).  And finally,  Fairmount Park, which is the largest public park in the country.  True story.  It even kicks Central Park's ass.  Central Park is 843 acres and Fairmount Park is 9200 acres.  How you like them apples, NYC!

The Bad:

• The Schuylkill (pronounced "school-kill").  Or as I call it, the Highway to Hell.  I avoid it at all costs because of the gi-normous cluster f*ck that it always is.  

• The Philadelphia Eagles.  Here's an idea.  Let's work really hard to win the NFC Championship, punch your ticket to the Super Bowl and then once you get to the Superbowl, CHOKE!  Seriously, it's time to trade in McNabb and Reid. 
  

• The Philadelphia Phillies.  I'd be lying if I said I was mad when the Yankees won the World Series this year.  Truth be told, I can't stand 99% of the Phillies.  Except Cole Hamels.  He's hot and I'd totally have his babies if his wife would let me.

• Philadelphia Cheesesteaks.  I've never eaten so many cheesesteaks in the last five years than I have my entire life.  And granted, I haven't really eaten that many cheesesteaks, but when you live in the city that is known for them, it's kind of hard to turn one down.  Especially at 3AM when you're highly intoxicated. 
  

A Lewis Black joke:

• You ever read the ingredients in sunblock?  I've never seen those words anywhere.  You don't even know what you're putting on your face, do you?  You go, "oh no, the sun's out!"  It could be zebra cum; you don't know.  You may not like that joke, but YOU DON'T KNOW.
  

Ba-dum-dum-tsss.

(the joke may or may not have been better hearing it from Lewis Black himself).

Enjoy your weekend!